Hello, I bet you thought this was going to be a rant about Mothers Day, didn’t you? Au contraire. Well, it may be a little but not the way you might think, more in the sense that I’m annoyed with the commercialization of so many of our celebratory days, including Mothers Day.
Have you ever thought that inanimate objects have a soul, a memory to go with their past life? I have to believe they do. Everything, tables and chairs, trees and flowers, have a history, if only they could tell their story. Well, maybe not rocks but possibly them too. Imagine the tales. Hang on, there’s more
The essence of spring is in the air and I fully intend to inhale it fully today and use it’s power to invigorate my soul.
“When I admire the wonders of a sunset or the beauty of the moon, my soul expands in the worship of the creator. “
Mahatma Gandhi
We’ve finally had some sun for more than 2 days running now and it’s amazing the effect it has on life. People are out in drove, either just enjoying the weather or looking at new cars, perusing garden shops, or working in their yards readying them for the new season. I plan to spend my day doing the latter, actually 2 of the latter, going to the garden store and readying my yard. Gardening can be a catharsis.
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Open book
I’ve been posting for about a year now and I wonder…Is it time to come out of the closet, to be an open book? Before you jump to conclusions I should elaborate.
This morning before writing in my journal, after checking emails and having breakfast etc., etc., I watched one of the Ted Talks called Mena Trott on Blogs, where she discusses her perspective on blogging. In her presentation she comments particularly on how blogging is a means for those who want to know you to learn about who you are, not only biographically but what kind of person you are and how you think. This made me think, will those I know and love ever know that about me?
Now I know the title sounds like one of my previous posts “Wake up and Smell the Roses” but it’s not just a replay, really. Todays title is the actual saying, albeit punctuated differently, and it really has some merit. It is also one of the credos I will try to follow over the next number of months.
I’m still struggling a bit with this retirement thing, the big “R”, and whether it’s early retirement or not the challenge for me is the same. I see so many things I can do, so much I should do, that I overwhelm myself and in the end do very little of either. What I need to do is chill, take a breath and a break, and don’t fuss over jobs that call out to be done, they’ll be there another day. It’s all about the balance isn’t it? More to this story
Although the title suggests a certain redundant thinking it actually captures exactly what I am thinking, I am Grateful….that I can be grateful.
Writing my morning pages this morning I finished by jotting down the things in my life I am grateful for. I do this frequently and where the items on the list are often the same it doesn’t minimize their value or importance to me. Things like “I’m grateful for my family, who love and support me”, or “I’m grateful for the affluence of my life, we have so much when others have so little”. Acknowledging this gratitude is integral to appreciating it, we take so much for granted in our lives that to think of the good things we have and to be aware of and appreciate them is to ensure they will remain. Perhaps Karma has a factor, perhaps it’s God or whatever spiritual power you believe in, perhaps it’s only a mind game, but whatever the reason gratitude is a force that has affects our lives.
Working through my moods, my ups and downs, is a frequent challenge. When I’m “up” life is good, nothing is bad and my glasses are rose colored. If I’m “down” then all I can see around me are the things in life that could be better. I’m seldom in such a poor state where everything is bad or I think my life sucks the big one but my energy is depleted and the things around me I should be enjoying are somehow greyed out, out of focus and difficult to see.
Call it depression, tag it with whatever label works best, but this cycle of moods can be debilitating and my heart goes out to those who suffer strongly from it. I am not so adversely affected but suffer at times I do, and my thinking about the good things in my life brings hope and light to my being. Being grateful recharges me, being grateful that I have the ability to be grateful inspires me. There is hope.
Not being as organized as I could be perhaps I did not make it to my journal this morning. I may write in it later but for now this will have to suffice.
After a quick breakfast and some endearing words to my wife I loaded up the truck and went off to help a friend disassemble an old tin shed. After taking it to it’s new location at the dump I returned home for lunch and to pack a couple days worth of clothes for a short trip to Kelowna. This is one of the blessings that an early retirement can afford you, spontaneous trips to see grandchildren.
Madden and Mom
We are off to see our new grandson, his Mommy and Daddy too of course, and I can’t wait to hold him in my arms. It’s amazing what kind of an impact a new baby can have on you, especially a grandchild. The yearning you feel for them when they are away from you is difficult to describe. I’ve often heard that exact thing said but until the occasion occurs in your family, and to your daughter, it doesn’t really sink in. He has just attached himself to our hearts and the pull that he generates over us is indescribable.
We will take over most of the night feedings while we are there, giving both parents an opportunity to catch up on their sleep. Until he sleeps a little longer during the night the frequent feedings will take their toll on Mom and Dad. It’s something we have all gone through but we want to be as supportive as possible and take as much of the strain off them as we can. They will also be able to go out on a date night, another experience that will take place less frequently and will be more appreciated. We are not doing this only for them as we have our ulterior motives as well. Any time we can spend with the baby will be time well spent.
“Time spent laughing is time well spent.”
― J.C. Phillipps, Wink: The Ninja Who Wanted to be Noticed
Although I’m looking forward to camping and seeing family this summer I hope the hubbub doesn’t get to me, and there’s a good chance that at some point it will. The activity and noise will wear on me and I’ll likely withdraw somewhat and retreat to my safe place.
I’m a very private person, some would say reclusive and others may think snobbish or stuck up. I don’t think I’m either of the latter, I just don’t mind my own company and I’m easily overwhelmed by activity, especially if I feel as if I’m thrust into it. It’s just the kind of person I am and that has to be ok. I’ve heard it described as gifted, or over-excitable but whatever the reason the intensity of a group interaction is often stressful, sometimes very much so.
Camping in Pioneer Park
My wife has grown to accept this characteristic of mine and when we family camp we always take our own site rather than sharing a double site or trying to squeeze, with others, into a single. Frequently we’ll take some private time camping before or after the family camping so we can re-connect and share alone-time together.
I need my space and am much happier when left to read or otherwise bond with myself. I can write or journal, putter on something like my bike, the trailer or truck, or just have a beer and chill. It’s the closest thing I can find to Nirvana and I’m perfectly happy being left to my own devices.
The rest of the family also appears to accept it and although I’m not sure how my alone-time is explained to my nieces and nephews it is still respected. “Uncle” (me) is still asked if he wants to go on bike rides or walks and I will frequently accept. I still love my family and cherish our relationships. It just has to be in smaller doses than it may be with other families.
So despite the activity and noise I will adapt, I will enjoy the camping and family time holding to the thought that they won’t always be with us. If there’s one thing I’ve learned is that life is short, and fickle. Enjoy the moments while you can.
The rain has continued now for the past two days and while it brings much needed moisture to the grounds it dampens any enthusiasm for one to go outside (pun intended). I’m ok with it at this time though as it supports my choice to get something accomplished indoors, chores around the house being one option. It also supports me spending some time blogging, which is getting sadly neglected and in dire need of a boost.
I’ve managed to keep up my journal, the morning pages, and even though the weather is wet and cool I have stepped out of the house onto the deck to write. It is in the shelter of the house and is close enough to being outside at this time. I wrapped myself in a lap blanket and have persevered, relishing the freshness of the air and listening to the birds sing their spring songs. Our wind chimes play their tunes occasionally as well, and when the breeze picks up their rich notes bring a church-like quality to the atmosphere.
What I’ve been waiting for however is the opportunity to sit in the area of our front yard where I feel at most at peace, the spot I’ve recently christened my “Holy place”. The descriptor came to me days ago when I was sitting in my recliner looking longingly out the window at that area, thinking the time will soon come when I can be out there, when both the weather and temperature will support my visit. First, or best I should say, would be when my Adirondack chairs will be finished and placed in their special place under the boughs of the maple, where I can sit in the dappled shade and relish in the beauty of the moment. The fountain will be gurgling in the background and sweet fragrance of flowers will be in the air. The temperature will be perfect and my mind will temper it’s exuberance to take me into outside chores, there will be time a plenty for those.
In addition to the peacefulness of the area it’s a spot that provides me a glimpse of my toys, a truck or two, and the camping trailer that’s about to be used. It’s a comfortable area and I feel enclosed in it’s graces. It saves me, I am at peace in my Holy place.
Do you have a holy place, and if so where is it?
I have been quite faithful in maintaining my journal, or morning pages, and most days quite look forward to it. Today was no exception, however the day started off at a pace faster than I first appreciated and I missed that first crucial step, relax and write.
Perhaps there are no “good excuses” but the tasks that took me off my schedule were dealing with some of Dad’s taxes, taking the car in for service, and then once I returned home just generally procrastinating and fussing about. I think my biggest mistake was having the 3 or more cups of coffee during all of the above. Caffeine and relaxing are not known to be synonymous, at least not in my book. How someone can go to a coffee shop, drink coffee and write is beyond me. Don’t get me wrong, you have all my admiration if you are able but the ability escapes me. If I stay away from the 2nd or 3rd cup of coffee perhaps, otherwise forget it.
What works better for me is where I am now, sitting on my deck listening to the subtle tune of wind chimes and gurgling water. The weather has turned for the better with the sun coming out and a mild breeze at my back. My yard is coming to life with buds on the Magnolia tree and the shrubbery greening up. Every so often the fragrance of spring wafts through the air and I feel so happy. Life is good, this is what retirement means to me.
I came out to the deck after the above described procrastinating and finally sat down to complete my morning pages, in the afternoon. My morning journal has been something quite helpful to me, beginning initially as a means to diarize my “feelin’s and emotions” and then later progressing to what it has now become, more a hardcover chat with myself. It’s where I can record anything and everything, no topics left unturned, but primarily just a method to let some of my thoughts out. It’s amazing how the process of writing down something, anything, can establish a flow of thought, of ideas, and feelings. It was these thoughts and feelings that I want to capture here, so here I am. I don’t want to neglect my paper pages but as I started to chat with myself in them I realized that here was where I wanted to be, not only on my deck but writing here on this blog. Why? Can’t say exactly, other than my hope is to inspire some thought within someone else, perhaps inspire them to step onto their deck or into their yard, and let the beauty of life surround them.
As you can likely discern I am in a relative good place right now, such has not always been the case. If you’ve read any of the other drivel on this site you can attest to that. It has been a journey, a trip through time, place, and mood. Much of it good, some of it not so. I don’t believe it’s over and should you choose to follow you will some day see the great reveal. You will know…..who I am. Not only the technical details of who I am, like name, address, and social insurance number, but who I am inside. The complex thing they call Dwayne. I often waver in my desire to come out of the blog closet, to post the address to this site on Facebook, or to Twitter my thoughts and provide a link back to this blog. Even my closest family is not aware (that I know) of this secret location of my darkest thoughts. If they do they have certainly not shared that knowledge with me. And that’s fine. When the time is right I will do that, it’s just not right yet.
In the meantime it’s just you and I. I’m not sure who “you” is but even if I’m writing to myself I’m opening up a channel in my existence to a higher power. Some say “God” and some say just creativity. Whatever it is I feel more alive, and somehow more at peace.
As always any comments are most welcome,
Signing off,
me
