Home, Again

family, loved ones, children, grandchildren

I am Home again, and while catching up on some communications I received a ‘pingback’ from another blogsite called Beyond The Baby Book. For those that don’t know a pingback is a notification that someone else has posted a link back to your website or blog on their site. In this case it happened to be a previous post of mine for a Photo Challenge of “Home”. The post is below:
————

home, hearth, fire, chair, reading
Home is Where the Hearth Is

Home….., home is where the hearth is. That’s my take on a popular quote:

Home is Where the Heart Is
 - Pliny the Elder

Now I honestly have no idea who Pliny the Elder is but I’m sure a quick search on Google or Wikipedia would answer that question. Home, is where you are most comfortable, perhaps the happiest. It can be in your own home or somewhere else with a loved one. It’s where you feel content, no false front required or desired. Hopefully home is with those you love most, your family, a wife, your children or your grandchildren.

family, loved ones, children, grandchildren
Family, Loved Ones

Home, where the cares of the world ease, where you can be at peace and problems outside your world evaporate.  It’s a place to care, and be cared for, to love and be loved. Home ….. is Home.

I also feel at home outside, in my yard. I can be in my garden or just sitting under the maple tree with a book, perhaps a beer or coffee at my side and thoughts of relaxation and calmness washing over me. Not a care, nor a concern, a oneness with life and nature ….. hold on, maybe that’s the beer talking. Better take it easy……

adirondack, chair, peaceful, relaxation
Holy Place

I call that place under the maple tree and surrounded by cedars my ‘Holy Place’, and I look forward to visiting it again soon, when the spring sun comes and the warmth takes the snow away. It will be one of my outside homes.

Another area I like to call home is sitting on the deck. It’s a place to catch the morning rays of sun and perhaps the cool breezes as they wash over the space. I’ll likely hear the wind chimes playing their rich tones, like so many church bells tolling their virtues. I’ll be reading there too, or perhaps posting to the blog, or journaling my morning pages. I’ll feel the peace, the warmth of the sun and the calmness. I will be ok there, in any of those places I call home. I can recognize my fortune and acknowledge my gratitude. It’s good to be home.

Many Things Have Changed

Last Kamloops sunset

Well, I find myself at point that is, shall we say, disconcerting. That itself may not be the right word but it’s the best I can come up with right now. My intent was just to post a quick update and move on, but when I ventured into this site I was both confused and surprised. It appears the formatting has changed from what I remember and I was a tad ‘lost’.

Not to digress though, my update is that all is well for the most part, and while my home situation is somewhat discombobulated (read that the house is in disarray) I don’t feel too bad.

We’ve been visiting with our 3 year old grandson, rather he with us, and for the most part is has been enjoyable. Tiring, but enjoyable. Makes me glad I did it, raising kids when I was 20 not 58.

I just returned him to sender a few hours ago and upon my return home witnessed the partial dis-assembly of our house, thus part of the “disarray”. Some of the walls have been cut away, as have portions of the basement ceilings and the main floor hardwood. This is all due to water damage as a result of plumbing lines/drains being plugged. It seems our washing machine discharge was too much for the pipes to handle in their diminished capacity.

The other part of the disarray is that my crap is everywhere. I just moved back home after an 11 month stint away, working in Kamloops BC. It’s amazing how much sh** a person can accumulate/transfer in such a short period of time. It was/is a learning experience though and one I may or may not repeat.

So, ‘nuf said, I’ll fix this website and move on. I’ll fix the house and move on, I’ll just fix what needs fixin’ and…….move on.

Away But Not Gone

I’ve been away, not gone, just absent from here, and there. I’ve fallen so far off the proverbial blogging wagon it’s almost as if I’ve never been. Kinda disturbing to me really.

I’ve still in relatively good health and still working.My 3 – 6 month stint has turned into 7 months to date. Again I’ve been asked if I’m willing to stay but I’ve always declined. Somewhere along the road I decided if I’m to make an informed decision I need to be informed. To that end I asked for a formal offer. It was good, and I struggled for many days with the decision, which ultimately was no. While the job would have benefits, both financial and to some degree emotional, I felt the negative components of the ’emotional’ aspect outweighed the positive of the ’emotional’. Stress has been building and once again I’ve re-realized that working in the pulp and paper industry in a supervisory capacity is not my bag. I do have some skills in that area but I have not real reason to develop them further, in fact I tend to pull away from those opportunities.

“I yam what I yam and tha’s all what I yam.” — Popeye the Sailor Man”

I ain’t Popeye but I yam still what I yam, good bad or indifferent. I continue to work at believing that.

The Adventure Continues

If there’s one thing I’d have to say lately it’s that my horizons have been broadened. Coming out of retirement and taking another job , the resulting move to another town and getting another place to live, it’s all totally out of my experience. It’s an adventure, and it continues.

The original plan is for me to be here 3 – 6 months. We are at the 3 month mark now and the interviews for the permanent replacement for the position I’m filling are barely underway. I’ve been asked numerous times if I’d consider staying on full time, if I’m interested in working a little longer, but I have to decline. Up to this point I’ve been a little vague in my replies but my last couple responses have been more definitive. I was happy in my retirement and I look forward to returning.

It’s not without reservation mind you, I enjoy doing most of what I’m doing in my new role. In it I realize I’m a more desk oriented person and the managing of people has always presented some issues.The position I’m filling is more like the position I thought I wanted. My last job was glaringly short in this respect and now in this role I can see what it should have been like. There are some challenges to my adapting but I’m working through them. I guess this is a prime example to the adage “be careful what you ask for”. This is what I asked for, except it was in my previous career.

This just adds to my dilemma. I see the opportunity(s) and I also see the resulting stresses. I understand where others can get drawn into the spiral of adventure, challenge and reward. I’m intrigued myself, but am I intrigued enough however?

Until the adventure is over I will continue to live it and enjoy. It may never come again. A somber thought.

My view
My view

I do have some perks mind you, and that’s my suite. this is the view I wake up to every day. It’s not the mountains of home but I’ve grown to love it. To every story there’s an up side.

Where Has the Time Gone?

Time is flying by, to where I know not.

We’ve been away from our house/home for over 2 months now of a potential 6 month gig. I have been asked more than a few times if I would consider staying on permanently but up until now I’ve been non-committal, vague even. I imply more money might sway me, or perhaps I should say the same money. As I’m a contractor/consultant my salary is higher than the norm for that position but bear in mind I get no benefits of any kind, except maybe some free clothes or boots.

Bottom line really is that I don’t care to work. I enjoy some of the tasks thrown my way but the longer I do this job the more I remember what it was like the first time around. My early retirement was for a reason.

I do feel validated however, in demand, wanted shall I say. All feelings that were missing before. I want to write more but I’m tired, another thing I don’t miss.

Cheers.

A New day

20140718-082306-30186785.jpg

This morning brings another day of travel, this time back to our home to collect things needed for a longer stay in Kamloops.

The sun is shining, albeit from behind a veil of smoke. Fires burning elsewhere have left their mark on these skies, providing a grey cast to the air and a red filter for the sun.
20140718-081628-29788346.jpg

The travel will take the better part of 7 hours and on Sunday I will do it again, retracing my path to return here with a carload of belongings.

I’m not sure how long my stay here in Kamloops will be, could be 6 months or more. The verdict is also still out on my feelings toward it. Only time will answer both.

And We’re Off

And, here we go again, again an endless series of mundane thoughts and senseless drivel. It ain’t so bad though, it’s my thoughts and my drivel. You have the choice to take it or leave it.

Of course I’d always prefer you take it, that’s the point isn’t it?

Life has been, well, shall we say continuous. That too is a good thing. I’ve been in and out of town and actually accomplishing things on the home front. My new meds Citalopram seem to have taken hold and turned my ambition level around. That in itself is a good thing, a really good thing if it holds.

We just got back from visiting our daughter who just gave birth to a baby girl, Ivy, only 2 weeks ago tomorrow. I spent the week prior and the week after the birth at their place helping wherever possible. My wife, much to her dismay, had to come home to work. Sucks to be her. I do feel for her though, that was me prior to retirement.

She is cute too, Ivy I mean. Of course my wife also cute, that goes without saying. We miss her already and have only been away a day. I have pictures to remind me though, lots of pictures. And photos of Madden too. He’s also in my thoughts. I love them all, what can I say. I’m a sucker for grandkids.

Here we go again

I think “Here We Go Again” is a title of an old song, can’t be sure though and it really doesn’t matter. In this sense it only means here I go, putting up another very late post.

I see it’s not been since January of this year that I visited here to write. I’m surprised! My my, where does the time go?

I’ve been active and there are many things that have happened around me. Perhaps no more than to the average bear but they were, of course, significant to me. Mostly it’s just life stuff.

One thing of note was that since my last post I’ve gone back on the ‘juice’. Now before you get all confused or concerned you must realize the ‘juice’ in this context is an anti-depression medication, in this case Citalopram. Last year I was on Mirtazapine but in my wisdom I chose to get off the meds and see how things turned out. Not too well evidently.

After stopping the Mirts I did not become suicidal or anything close to that self destructive, it was more a case of low moods and and a frequent sadness I couldn’t seem to avoid. In fact, as I told my doctor, I would often get very teary and emotional during commercials on tv. I short I was very often low. This didn’t happen immediately but became more pronounced over time. In a nutshell I was not better, more help was needed, but I persevered.

In January we went to Okotoks to our niece’s. That’s where we had gone to visit during our annual get-away and where I last posted  Typically we go somewhere away from our city to just be away, to regroup and recharge. January is the month our son died so since then, Jan. of 2000, we either take a week in our time-share or perhaps we go to visit kin. In this case the kin won. It was a nice visit, a good escape. I had no overt depression or anxiety but my sadness lingered.

During that same month my Mother moved out of our basement suite where she had lived for a 7 or so years. She and my step-Father had moved in when they found the challenges of living alone, away from town, a challenge. My step-Father Larry unfortunately passed away a few years ago just after his 80th birthday but my Mom stayed with us. Now, through a series of outside circumstance, she felt moving to Langley was the best choice for her and her siblings so she took on the challenge of moving and went to the big city. I supported her move and still do. It is her call and I think I can appreciate her reasons.

Since her move we have spent time refurbishing the suite in hopes of attracting another good tenant. I won’t belabour the point but all went quite well and in the end we gained my (ex) brother-in-law Jake as a new ‘person under the stairs’. I could likely write volumes about the dynamics of him and his wife (and her family) but I won’t. I would like cause you some disbelief and wonderment about how these kinds of relationships could even take place. Maybe not though, I guess they are on reality tv all the time.

But I digress. After our foray away and my Mom’s move I just reached the point where I knew a change was needed. Don’t misunderstand, my situation was neither caused nor exacerbated by either our trip, the timing, nor my Mom’s leaving. They were only pointers in time, the inevitable return to medication was evident by that point.

After our return home a visit to my doctor supported my diagnosis, he determined I was depressed and had a higher degree of anxiety than ‘normal’. A regime of anti-depressants were again prescribed. In consult with the doctor we decided to try the Citalopram as I felt the Mirtazapine did not hold up it’s end of the bargain and let me down after some time. This became more evident as I re-read my paper journal and saw a decline in my moods over time. Another reason I had chosen to stop the Mirts. The Citalopram would also apparently help with any anxiety.

At any rate here we are. After being on the Cital since Jan. 28th I feel better once again. Not so much something you may be able to see but more an even-ess and stability of mood. I have more motivation and am getting some things done. I do hope it continues. My sleep has improved and although I dream crazy dreams now it is more restful. A drawback to the Citalopram is a tiredness during mid morning but I may change when I take my dose to dinnertime and the drowsiness may abate.

So in that sense I hope the tagline “Here we go again” is a positive one and I don’t find myself regressing over time. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Testosterone, Breakfast of Champions

You could feel it as you entered the building. You could smell it, it permeated the air and imbued the arena with it’s power. The ‘it’ in question was testosterone, and lots of it. I was at the ice rink with my brother-in-law to watch my niece play hockey, and operate the clock for the score and penalties.

Now it could have been just sweat I smelled, but the feeling I encountered was more than just from the aroma, it was oozing from all those men, women and children milling about in the lobby and public areas of the Community Complex. You could see it in the body language of those congregating and moving about, and hear it in the snippets of conversation I could overhear. It was, in a word, ubiquitous (I love that word).

I would expect to see it in many athletic and macho men, and some not so athletic nor macho, but I was also surprised to observe similar characteristics from some of the women and children. The aura and feeling of warrior was everywhere. Frankly it concerned me, maybe scared me.

Now I’m not against hockey or any sport in general, but I’m not particularly supportive of some of the characteristics of that particular sport. The fighting and hard hitting, the aggression and macho bullshit I could personally do without but if that’s what floats your boat then go for it. What I don’t really get is the carryover aggression that seems to continue after the games. Even some of the women and kids did not appear to be immune to this drug. Their strutting and posturing was obvious to me as well.

To me, in a nutshell, this is scary. To see this cloak of power exhibited in this way, then (hopefully) dispensed with once they left for home made a statement to me. It told me we are not far from our caveman roots. It told me that all of us are capable of being somewhat duplicitous. We can change our spots at will, put on a front for each occasion, act whatever part was required. The part that concerns me the most is that the ‘real’ us is one that carries this testosterone openly and it’s control is always just below the surface, ready to erupt.

I hope I’m wrong, I doubt I am. Testosterone, the breakfast of champions.