Well Lit, Dark Place

I think I’m emotionally in a dark place lately, but at times it seems well lit, make sense?

A light in the dark
A light in the dark

It’s just that I feel emotionally alone, and that’s ok, that seems to be the dark place, and while I may not prefer it I do accept it in some fashion. It’s the fact that I seem to understand and accept the situation that makes it feel illuminated or lit.

And I don’t think it’s the ‘depression’, I believe it’s something more fundamental, something basic to my make-up or mental health.  I’m beginning to think it’s just the way I am.  Some of my first thoughts are that it’s Aspergers syndrome or some similar condition or disorder.  Some variation of Autism.  You can read about some of the characteristics here, on Wikipedia. Isn’t this curious, my self-diagnosis?

What precipitated this latest ah ha moment was a tv show called Dexter.  The show is about a man who witnessed the brutal slaying of his mother when he was a young child and the horrific situation made him emotionally disconnected as an adult.  Now I’ve never had those experiences but it’s the ongoing patter of his ‘inside voice’ that caused me to think.

We are somewhat alike. I have some of those same attributes, difficulty relating to others on an emotional level, emotionally disconnected, unable (or unwilling) to bond on a deeper emotional level.  Almost uncaring.  And yet I do feel deep sadness at times, and elated happiness. This is where I’d differ from my friend Dexter, that is where I can see how we are not so much alike.

Still, it makes me think, why am I the way I am?  Perhaps I need a stronger light to overpower the darkness.

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4 thoughts on “Well Lit, Dark Place

  1. Wayne, do you suffer from S.A.D.? I do, especially in winter when there is less sunlight. Not to dismiss anything you’ve said, but could S.A.D. at least be a part of why you feel the way you do? Whatever the cause, just know it’s temporary. That’s what gets me through. Even if you don’t feel like it, get out and do things you enjoy. And remember, you have friends. Sending warm thoughts your way.

    1. Hi Mary. Thanks so much for your concern!
      I think I do/have suffered from SAD, and perhaps that is part of it, but I’m pretty sure it’s not the whole picture. I guess I was trying to take a bit of literary license with the title as I’m not really in the kind of dark place where depression has a strong hold on me, I’m not in that kind of ‘dark place’. It was moreso that I’m sad I have trouble connecting and/or bonding with people. I sometimes feel like a bit of a misfit in that regard.
      Be that as it may I do appreciate your care and concern, at this point I really don’t feel too bad, I just have to accept who I am, and what I’m like.
      Anyway I hope things are going ok for you. I haven’t seen many posts lately, other than a couple in the last week. I hope you are ok as well.
      Take care,
      Dwayne

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