Depression. Mine is……well, Depressed – pt.2

In my previous post I was giving a bit of an update on how I see things have gone for me lately, how I’m feeling better and generally less angry and frustrated.  I think I’m coming out of this tunnel called Depression. I believe I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s not an oncoming train (I hope).

I discussed some of my symptoms, the treatments and path I took to deal with it, the meds and my visits with a counselor.  I left off with the discussion about if the death of my sons had any role in my depression.

More to the saga

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Depression. Mine is……well, Depressed – pt.1

I’ve been feeling pretty good lately, not at all angry and as unhappy as I was before.  My depression, if that what it is, seems to have diminished or become depressed itself.  I was never 100% sure it was depression but as I understand there is a broad spectrum of symptoms and I had a number of them.  In some ways it’s hard to remember really what it was like during the bad times but I think some mental health issues are like that, in that when you start feeling good you forget a bit about what feeling bad was like.  I have a sense I didn’t like it much.  Being as I’m in a good space now I thought I could update things a bit.  Have a seat with me and let’s roll.

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Slip Slidin’ away, Back into the Pit of Despair

It has been a hard couple of weeks, probably more like 6 or so when I think about it. I’ve been sliding back into that dark place, that psychological arena I was in closer to the beginning of the year, the place where there is little optimism, where dark moods prevail and it seems like life itself is being sucked out of you.  I’ll call it a relapse into depression, where for me at least it makes itself known in loss of sleep and an undercurrent of anger.  I had, or have, no energy or enthusiasm towards those things I know I enjoy, hate my job more than normal, and frequently want to cry.  ‘Tis a sad state of affairs and I fear I’m falling into the pit of despair.

I’ve mentioned this mood, the early symptoms and my fears, to Gloria.  As my counselor, or therapist, she has been charged with the task of guiding me through this maze of despondent life, bringing me toward the light and helping me understand the tools I require to remain successful in my travel toward wellness.  But psychological tools are not enough, and I felt perhaps some change in my medication was in order as well.  I wanted to increase my meds immediately but thought my Dr. should be onboard.  She agreed, and a visit with my Doctor was scheduled.

In the interim there were things I thought I should try, simple things that may have a positive effect and at the very least could not hurt.  Knowing I am sensitive to the changes in light, and the winter season gives me the “blues” I broke out my SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) light and began sitting in front of it as I ate my breakfast before work.  I hadn’t really been noticing any of the typical symptoms I normally experienced with this condition, such as being excessively tired after dinner, nor the sweet tooth that drove me to eat large bowls of ice cream or other sugary treats, but what the hey, it can only help right?  But to no avail, no real improvement and I was deparately waiting for my visit to my GP.

The big day finally arrived, I explained my feelings and fears to the Dr. and he agreed to support me by increasing the dosage of my meds.  He renewed my prescription and I now take 45 mg of Mirtazapine, up from the 30 mg I have been taking since the beginning.

It’s been a couple days now, I think I’m feeling better although the true test will be my sleep patterns, if I sleep continuously through the night or wake up 2 or 3 times as has been the case lately.  I will try to remain optimistic, and the fact I even think of optimism is in itself a good sign.  Wish me luck, I am hopeful if for no other reason that I’ve felt like writing.  I am looking to blogging as a tool, another in my arsenal that can help me out of this hole, a ladder to help me climb out of this pit of despair.

Overwhelmed

The last number of days have been pulling me down. Many issues with my father’s care are demanding time and energy, energy I want to expend toward my own mental health. I chose the word “want” because that’s the choice I feel is warranted. I “want” to be there for my Dad too, but it’s beginning to be unhealthy for me, my frustration and my bitterness is growing toward him. I can understand how children with elderly parents living with them can be driven to do things they never thought they could. I don’t condone nor approve, nor do I think it is in any way good or normal, I can just see how the bubble can grow until it ruptures. That in itself makes me sad.

Today’s a Good Day

I feel pretty good today, better than yesterday for sure. For whatever reason when I awoke yesterday morning I felt angry again. It was sort of an underlying anger, not a “punch the wall” anger, but a strong enough emotion that it was noticable that early in my day.  It’s hard to say why I felt that way, although I had forgotten to take my meds the night before but I wouldn’t think one day would set me back the way it did.  I promptly took my pill after I got up.

Underlying anger was one of the symptoms that led me to look for help.  At that time, about early Apr.2011, I went to my Doctor concerned over certain aspects of my life, sleep habits, mood, etc., he concurred with my suggestion of counseling, and he also sent me for some tests.  From there to here is a bit of a jump but essentially I was diagnosed with a mild depression, treatable with medication.  Mirtazapine was the drug of choice, 30mg the dosage.

So, back to today, I felt ‘normal” again this morning, a much improved state of mind.  With what happened yesterday morning and a general feeling my improvement has stopped I wonder if an increase in dosage is warranted.  I have a Dr. appointment next week and I can discuss with him.