Blog Withdrawal

I’ve been going through withdrawal lately (always thought it was spelled “withdrawl” until spell check corrected me). I’m not talking the chemical kind of withdraw’a’l, I’m referring to the emotional and intellectual kind. The blog withdrawal kind. I need a fix.

I try to write but my words seem perfunctory. I blather on, spitting words on the screen like a wet-mouthed close-talker. See, here I go again. I feel like I’ve lost my edge. I want it back, if I ever really had it.

I began this blog to talk about my experiences with depression, hence the sub-title “Then, til Now”. While I suspect one never beats depression, nor is ‘cured’ of it, I do think we adapt and it becomes part of who we are. Anyway I digress.

Read more here: http://wp.me/p8mDx0-tj

Fear of the Unknown

Just recently I attempted to update some info on this blog and found I was locked out of the account settings and security features. Not a good thing! I am obviously still able to post, but not sure for how long. Fear of the unknown.

The reason is largely of my own doing. In actual fact I guess it’s ALL my own doing, by neglecting to remember/follow clear admonitions by WordPress about generating and keeping ‘restore codes’ to access my account should this exact situation occur.

What created this problem was that I changed my phone and my phone number when we moved. When doing that I lost the ability to authenticate my ownership of this blog. This only applies if you have 2 factor authentication set up, and if you fail to prepare for this eventuality.

So, the long and short of it is that I’m in discussion with the WordPress “Happiness Engineers” to possibly resolve this situation and re-establish my authenticity. If I am unable to regain my full access and control of this site I will be forced to begin posting on skidaddy.ca. I have tried to move/copy my posts to skidaddy.ca but at this time only some of them have transferred. That new site is also a bit of a mess visually/organizationally at this time but hey, you do whats u gotsa do.

Wish me luck!

Home, Again

family, loved ones, children, grandchildren

I am Home again, and while catching up on some communications I received a ‘pingback’ from another blogsite called Beyond The Baby Book. For those that don’t know a pingback is a notification that someone else has posted a link back to your website or blog on their site. In this case it happened to be a previous post of mine for a Photo Challenge of “Home”. The post is below:
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home, hearth, fire, chair, reading
Home is Where the Hearth Is

Home….., home is where the hearth is. That’s my take on a popular quote:

Home is Where the Heart Is
 - Pliny the Elder

Now I honestly have no idea who Pliny the Elder is but I’m sure a quick search on Google or Wikipedia would answer that question. Home, is where you are most comfortable, perhaps the happiest. It can be in your own home or somewhere else with a loved one. It’s where you feel content, no false front required or desired. Hopefully home is with those you love most, your family, a wife, your children or your grandchildren.

family, loved ones, children, grandchildren
Family, Loved Ones

Home, where the cares of the world ease, where you can be at peace and problems outside your world evaporate.  It’s a place to care, and be cared for, to love and be loved. Home ….. is Home.

I also feel at home outside, in my yard. I can be in my garden or just sitting under the maple tree with a book, perhaps a beer or coffee at my side and thoughts of relaxation and calmness washing over me. Not a care, nor a concern, a oneness with life and nature ….. hold on, maybe that’s the beer talking. Better take it easy……

adirondack, chair, peaceful, relaxation
Holy Place

I call that place under the maple tree and surrounded by cedars my ‘Holy Place’, and I look forward to visiting it again soon, when the spring sun comes and the warmth takes the snow away. It will be one of my outside homes.

Another area I like to call home is sitting on the deck. It’s a place to catch the morning rays of sun and perhaps the cool breezes as they wash over the space. I’ll likely hear the wind chimes playing their rich tones, like so many church bells tolling their virtues. I’ll be reading there too, or perhaps posting to the blog, or journaling my morning pages. I’ll feel the peace, the warmth of the sun and the calmness. I will be ok there, in any of those places I call home. I can recognize my fortune and acknowledge my gratitude. It’s good to be home.

Here we go again

I think “Here We Go Again” is a title of an old song, can’t be sure though and it really doesn’t matter. In this sense it only means here I go, putting up another very late post.

I see it’s not been since January of this year that I visited here to write. I’m surprised! My my, where does the time go?

I’ve been active and there are many things that have happened around me. Perhaps no more than to the average bear but they were, of course, significant to me. Mostly it’s just life stuff.

One thing of note was that since my last post I’ve gone back on the ‘juice’. Now before you get all confused or concerned you must realize the ‘juice’ in this context is an anti-depression medication, in this case Citalopram. Last year I was on Mirtazapine but in my wisdom I chose to get off the meds and see how things turned out. Not too well evidently.

After stopping the Mirts I did not become suicidal or anything close to that self destructive, it was more a case of low moods and and a frequent sadness I couldn’t seem to avoid. In fact, as I told my doctor, I would often get very teary and emotional during commercials on tv. I short I was very often low. This didn’t happen immediately but became more pronounced over time. In a nutshell I was not better, more help was needed, but I persevered.

In January we went to Okotoks to our niece’s. That’s where we had gone to visit during our annual get-away and where I last posted  Typically we go somewhere away from our city to just be away, to regroup and recharge. January is the month our son died so since then, Jan. of 2000, we either take a week in our time-share or perhaps we go to visit kin. In this case the kin won. It was a nice visit, a good escape. I had no overt depression or anxiety but my sadness lingered.

During that same month my Mother moved out of our basement suite where she had lived for a 7 or so years. She and my step-Father had moved in when they found the challenges of living alone, away from town, a challenge. My step-Father Larry unfortunately passed away a few years ago just after his 80th birthday but my Mom stayed with us. Now, through a series of outside circumstance, she felt moving to Langley was the best choice for her and her siblings so she took on the challenge of moving and went to the big city. I supported her move and still do. It is her call and I think I can appreciate her reasons.

Since her move we have spent time refurbishing the suite in hopes of attracting another good tenant. I won’t belabour the point but all went quite well and in the end we gained my (ex) brother-in-law Jake as a new ‘person under the stairs’. I could likely write volumes about the dynamics of him and his wife (and her family) but I won’t. I would like cause you some disbelief and wonderment about how these kinds of relationships could even take place. Maybe not though, I guess they are on reality tv all the time.

But I digress. After our foray away and my Mom’s move I just reached the point where I knew a change was needed. Don’t misunderstand, my situation was neither caused nor exacerbated by either our trip, the timing, nor my Mom’s leaving. They were only pointers in time, the inevitable return to medication was evident by that point.

After our return home a visit to my doctor supported my diagnosis, he determined I was depressed and had a higher degree of anxiety than ‘normal’. A regime of anti-depressants were again prescribed. In consult with the doctor we decided to try the Citalopram as I felt the Mirtazapine did not hold up it’s end of the bargain and let me down after some time. This became more evident as I re-read my paper journal and saw a decline in my moods over time. Another reason I had chosen to stop the Mirts. The Citalopram would also apparently help with any anxiety.

At any rate here we are. After being on the Cital since Jan. 28th I feel better once again. Not so much something you may be able to see but more an even-ess and stability of mood. I have more motivation and am getting some things done. I do hope it continues. My sleep has improved and although I dream crazy dreams now it is more restful. A drawback to the Citalopram is a tiredness during mid morning but I may change when I take my dose to dinnertime and the drowsiness may abate.

So in that sense I hope the tagline “Here we go again” is a positive one and I don’t find myself regressing over time. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

No News is Good News?

While it has been a while (again) since I’ve posted it seems like little has changed. My blogging life has waned a touch but my online life has not.

There is still a web presence to maintain on a couple sites and since my last post here I’ve acquired the duties of webmaster for a local photo club. This is something new for me but fits somewhat with other ‘net stuff. It does take my attention away from the blogs however. Add to this scanning photos and transcribing printed works to post on my personal site and my hours fill.

I have been writing though, a bit, and just took a one day writing course at the local college. It wasn’t quite what I expected but it’s a start eh? The point is to write, regardless, or so I believe. Just like Julia Cameron said in “The Right to Write”, you need to write every day. I fall down there unfortunately.

I am feeling a bit better lately and am not taking anything but vitamins, and booze of course. I jest about that, the booze, and maybe shouldn’t but it is just that, and it is also something I watch. I’m fully aware of the effect addictions can have on lives.

I do some exercise and am walking most days too, today as an example. My distance today will be over 3k but some days I’ll do closer to 7k. I stopped part way to pen this. I’ll enjoy a nice cup of ‘joe’, blog a bit, and move on.

My next stop will be the computer store. I seem to have developed some computer issues that are impacting my productivity in so many ways. It’s amazing how tied to that damn thing I am, hell any technology. Something to ponder.

Improvements Needed

Improvements are needed, and although that could also be said for me I’m really only referring to the website at this time. It’s looking a bit dated and tired, again how I feel at times but not really relevant now.

I’m actually feeling a bit better now than I was a few weeks ago. I can’t really speak as to why, whether it’s more exercise, just quiet time at home, or just a cyclical thing I don’t really grasp yet. I have not gone back to taking meds of any sort so I can’t give credit there, maybe it was just time.

So with one issue ‘fixed’ I will need to focus on another, or two, which will likely be web related. I finally got my other blog and website almost to where I want it so some fine tuning is in order. (fat fingers involved, I hit ‘publish’ instead of ‘save draft’)

I can hopefully get back into some writing as well, that area of my life has been sorely missed. I want to be optimistic, send me good vibes.

The Update is ……, No Updates

No updates, Ha, that’s an understatement. I’ve not posted to any of my blogs, nor put up any photos for at least a couple weeks. I almost feel like I’m going through withdrawal. I have shared a bit on “MurielsKids” but even that has been spotty. I don’t know why, just lazy I guess.

It has been hot, damn hot, and that tucker’s me out but even a quick blurb would suffice. Just haven’t been on the computer much.

20130726-212845.jpg

I will endeavour to improve however. Cut me some slack eh. Like my buddy the Terminator said, “I’ll be back”.

Back in the Saddle

I’m back in the saddle, or at least on the horse. The saddle may have to come later.

It was my intent to post something much sooner. I said at the outset of creating this blog that it was my goal to post daily, or close to it. It seems I lied. My post frequency has been closer to weekly, or certainly that’s what it seems anyway. ‘Things’ just get in the way. Poor reason/excuse I know. I haven’t even posted photos for the Weekly Photo Challenge lately (to be honest I’m not even sure what the topic is.

The summer has been proceeding at a pace unforeseen or unexpected to me. In many ways it’s just been a spring and summer that has taken on a schedule that I don’t like. I’ve done numerous trips, by car and within 1000 km (~600 mi.). Some have been for pleasure and a few have been to see or support loved ones in need. That being said, I appreciate that I shouldn’t lament the reasons, and I don’t, it’s the time away from my castle and my ‘stuff’ that I lament. That and my apparent inability to manage my time effectively when I am at home.

One thing you do get is to see a bunch of interesting stuff when you’re on the road. This gent was operating the espresso machine at a coffee shop on the road called “Deadwood Junction and Tarnished Turkey Cappuccino Bar”, one of my favourite haunts while en route to Kelowna or back home from a visit to my grandson.

Image

You can see it hasn’t been all bad. It’s just that since I retired last year I often feel overwhelmed and under capable to handle my various stresses, most or all self inflicted. Plain and simple I see my world as full of these opportunities and things I want do, and certainly there’s no shortage of things I should do. There’s always cutting the lawn, doing dishes or the laundry, shopping, cooking, washing or maintaining vehicles etc. etc.. Never mind the fun stuff like camping or seeing my grandson.

Woe is me, my life is sooo tough isn’t it. Just smack me upside the head.

Like camping was such a hardship. While I didn’t post much I did do some journaling, and what a view. The photo doesn’t do it justice, albeit this was with my phone.

Image

Early retirement has provided me with challenges I didn’t see coming. Many people have asked me since I retired “What do you do?”, or “How do you stay busy?”. I just laugh. Life is so full, how do I get to do everything I want to, that’s the question.

So if you have any time management tips, or ways you think may help me in my time of need please let me know. I’d love to hear. In the meantime I’ll mount up and ride into the sunset of my golden years……

Another Nomination – Dragon’s Loyalty Award

Well blow me over, knock me down with a feather, I don’t know what other mis-quotes I can use but I’ve been nominated for another award, this time the (love the graphic):

Dragon’s Loyalty Award.

Image, Dragon's Loyalty Award
Dragon’s Loyalty Award

While I truly appreciate the attention of Jaie at Kukileaf I’m unable to fulfill the requirements of the nomination at this time and will have to decline. I am pleased with the attention and intent though and feel that I’m in honored company.

Thanks again.