The Right to Write

I just picked up a book, maybe it picked me up I’m not sure.  It’s called “The Right to Write: An Invitation and Initiation into the Writing Life”, written by Julia Cameron. I came across it in the book store while looking through the Psychology section for another book, read a few passages within it and it spoke to me.  It said “Buy me”.  Ok, of course the book didn’t really speak, but the content did.  I wasn’t really looking for a book like this, this being a book talking about “why” we should write, not how.  I was looking for one on other, more personal matters, depression and giftedness.

I was also looking for a book on Blogging, and quickly realized that what I needed to learn in that regard wouldn’t necessarily be learned from a book.  I can use some inspiration on the motivation of writing however, I’ll often have blank days, writers block, or the sometimes the ideas will flow but I don’t have a medium at hand to record them.  I try to jot the thoughts into my phone, and that mostly works, but later when I look at my notes I don’t necessarily have the same passion, the same drive to write, it seems I’ve lost the momentum.

She says in her book “For me, writing is like a good pair of pajamas – comfortable”, I think that says a lot, the writing should feel “right”, not forced and not necessarily always in perfect form or structure, although that is certainly preferable.  The point is to speak/write from the heart, pour your soul into it.  I’m trying.


It’s ok to cry

I had another session with Gloria tonight (my counselor) and the conversation ranged from parental parenting, as in dealing with my Dad, to latent feelings of grief and loss.  We even threw a little bit of emotional support regarding crying and “triggers” when it comes to loss, and the strong emotions that can come forward unexpectedly as a result of those triggers.  I’d  have to say it was probably one of the more enlightening sessions I’ve had in a while.

We’ve had a number of good sessions in my opinion and that comes to a bit of a surprise to me, and to admit that remembering how I felt when I went into the process some many months ago.  She will offer some insights which seem simple, basic, or fundamental at first glance but upon further analysis have many benefits and potential insights.  Who’d’ve thunk??  I hope that at some point, sooner rather than later, that I can articulate to her the gifts she’s given me.

We also talked of writing, specifically the chronicling of my adventures with Dad.  I told her “I’ve had lots of support for this, there are quite a few people encouraging me”.  Gloria said I should do it too!  “We are in the age of the baby boomers, it’s a timely topic”.  I know it is, but I confided to her that I inevitably shut myself off, I don’t allow myself to complete a project like this, I really think I must be afraid of success.  Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t come up with this stuff myself.  Reading up on Giftedness among other things like procrastination has taught me this.  It’s ok she said, give yourself permission to jam out, to not complete, in that way you can complete as much as you want and come back to finish if and when you like.  Hmmm, please Lord give me strength.

Patience my son, patience

I’m recognizing my impatience in a number of circumstances lately and I need to determine if it is the particular circumstances and/or person involved, or is it me over-reacting to the situation?  I will need to do some real soul searching.  Mostly this seems to occur with my wife, and I certainly don’t want to beat her up, because I think that kind of reaction is what contributed to this in the first place.  I think even she would agree she had some esteem issues, and my commenting or trying to fix whatever is causing me frustration will likely not make it any better.

In this particular case we went for a bike ride, supposedly a relaxing event.  She was all keyed up with some work issues and frequently commented on how stressed she was, and how riding the bike was stressful (she relates it to a previous motorcycle accident we had), and how the bumpy dirt road caused her stress, etc..  It just was a bit overkill in my miind, but I said nothing and tried to be supportive.  I don’t know if I did that part well, or if she noticed. Of course all this happens when we are trying to get ready for camping too, which we (hopefully) leave for tonight.

So the bottom line is whether I can help her in any way, without feeding her anxiety.  Can I deter her from being as dramatic?  Is it just me.

I do know that one of the characteristics of Xi or giftedness is an impatience with others, I certainly am seeing that.


Here I go Again – 5 characteristics of gifted people

Here I go again, when reading a book or article and some passage or concept strikes my fancy and my mind wanders, and wonders, and I feel the need to get down some thoughts. And need is not too strong a word. I almost cannot stand it and find it very difficult to focus on the task at hand, reading to understand. I promise myself “only a quick post, I’ll just jot down some ideas and get back to my reading”. Sometimes it actually happens.

So here it goes, I’m reading an article called “Can you hear the flowers sing? Issues for gifted adults”, on the SENG website. It talks about 5 characteristics or traits of gifted people. I can’t help but not start to think about how I fit,  I have to get my thoughts down so again I put down the book and start to post.  Essentially I’ve just put down some notes and I’ll fill in the rest later.

Later, Done – I’m going to take some literary license here and copy a brief description of the characteristics. It in no way describes the trait completely, see the article for full descriptions.

Here’s the traits in italics, and how I match up after each.
Divergency. A preference for unusual, original, and creative responses is characteristic of divergent thinkers. The positive side of the trait includes people who are often high achievers, innovative in a number of fields, task committed, self-starters, and highly independent.

I believe I do think out of the box, and I’ve been told that by a number of people in various aspects of my life.  I cannot say however I am a high achiever, in fact I’d have to say the opposite.  I have been an underachiever, note the past tense.  This is something I want to work on.

Excitability. High energy level, emotional reactivity, and high nervous system arousal characterize the trait of excitability. Although excitability and hyperactivity may seem to be similar, they are fundamentally different in that gifted adults with the trait of excitability are able to focus their attention and concentration for long periods of time, to use their energy productively in a wide variety of interests, and to do many things well.

I do not have a high energy level, although if I am working on something I enjoy I can put a lot of energy into it.  In some ways I’m excitable, I can focus or concentrate for some time but I don’t think I could say “for long periods”.  It is likely quite situation specific.  I do have a very wide range of interests and I am able to do many things, and well.  I suspect that is also a relative comment as well.

Sensitivity. A depth of feeling that results in a sense of identification with others characterizes the trait of sensitivity. Gifted people form deep attachments and react to the feeling tone of situations; they think with their feelings.

I am very sensitive, I pick up on most things quite quickly.  My understanding of women may be lacking somewhat in this area though, they are more challenging to understand.  I have few deep attachments and to expand this area of my life would be beneficial.

Perceptivity. An ability to view several aspects of a situation simultaneously, to understand several layers of self within another, and to see quickly to the core of an issue are characteristic of the trait of perceptivity. These gifted adults are able to understand the meaning of personal symbols and to see beyond the superficiality of a situation to the person beneath.

This is something that at times can be a curse, just ask my family.  Each wants me to see and take their side.  I can see each side however that makes it generally more difficult to take a side.

Entelechy. From the Greek word for having a goal, entelechy bespeaks a particular type of motivation, inner strength, and vital force directing life and growth to become all the self is capable of being. Adults gifted in entelechy are highly attractive to others who feel drawn to openness, warmth, and closeness.

I aspire to grow more in this area, to become more fully grown and aware of myself and my potential.  To become more realized is the correct term I think.


Procrastination – Gifted characteristics

Seems like procrastination and Giftedness have some overlapping characteristics. One trait that is common would be taking on too many, or too big, a project or goal. I certainly do that, I can have 3 or more books going or many projects started, going great guns but seldom finishing any before moving on, to something more important or interesting. Right this moment is an perfect example, I’m reading a book on procrastination and laying it down mid-page to blog. Dumb.

It’s a combination of attention span, self control, and a desire to get an idea to paper (blog) while I think of it.  My Iphone is handy for that, I can jot a note or couple comments to my blog and then go back to the book.  I guess I could do it on paper too, maybe a sticky note or something.  That’d be less intrusive and distracting.  Hmmm.  The overlap with my version of giftedness would be the (sometimes) poor focus.  Also having multiple things on the go.


What to Do?

Morning has come and the sun is shining.  The weather is warm but there is a cool breeze drifting through the open patio door, teasing my feet and legs.  As I blog I try to think of what I may do today, perhaps go a get a new bike for Ma, I’d like us to ride together and we can’t now as she has no bike.  I could sit and read, and I shall for a while, but later I must go out and do something.  Some exercise or outdoor activity that will stimulate my body as well as my brain.

I also want to be lazy, a trait I would really like to get by.  It feels so good at the time though, I think that’s why I like camping, lots of relaxing and little guilt because, after all, what can you do but?

So breakfast is complete now, through it I as reading some articles on a website called “SENG – Supporting the Emotional Needs of the Gifted”  An article on Introversion/Extroversion and the Gifted caught my eye, probably because I’m an introvert.  In fact I’m such an introvert that when i took the Myers/Briggs test again this year I was at the furthest end of the spectrum.  So many of these characteristics, both for giftedness and introversion ring true.  I wish I knew more about them years ago.  I’ll post a link in the Interesting Sites area on my blog.


Ever Feel like you’re being Avoided?

I don’t know if this is really happening or am I just suffering from some form of persecution complex, an avoidance sensitivity of sorts. It seems when I pass certain others in the hall at work that there is all of a sudden this discomfort in the air, a chill, people begin stammering and looking at their shoes. This is primarily people I’ve whined at in the past so perhaps they think I’m going to whine again. That is assuming of course that what I’m perceiving is correct. If not I’m just nuts, plain and simple.

There’s been a number of my associates (what were then peers) and those above me who I’ve spilled my proverbial guts to over the past number of years, listing any number of slights I felt I’d been subjected to, complaining of the various ills the company is experiencing and how I think they should be fixed. Now bear in mind I still believe many of the situations/scenarios still exist, it’s just that now I’d be more cautious or selective in how and who I share them with. At that point I’d have to say I was in full blown “Depression“, I was certainly unwell emotionally.  I will say it again though I really believe many of the problems were really there, just not everyone could see them.

That is where aspects of the giftedness come in, I could “see” things others could or would not see.  And No, I’m not talking about seeing little green men, I’m thinking more of company trends, management techniques that are not productive, people that are not effective.  I saw them, still do, and now the chickens are coming home to roost as they say.  Anyway I think those now in management don’t get it and just think I’m a wing nut.  My only satisfaction is there are those in the field who agree completely and like me feel powerless to do anything about it.

Nuf said, I still think I’m being avoided.


Dr. Visit

Totally unrelated to my “condition” but…..
My back/legs are exhibiting signs that they may revolt on me. Previous visits to both an RMT and physio have led me to think the issue may be in my back, specifically in the L2L3 region where the nerves exit my spine. I’m not in as much discomfort as before but am feeling less trust in my legs, a concern that my right leg in particular may give way when I need it.  If I happen to be on stairs it would not be pretty.

I continue to find some challenge in writing about something that may be of use or enlightenment to others, pertaining to depression or giftedness. Perhaps I’m coming at it from the wrong angle.


Blog Name Change, and Description of Giftedness

The Blog name/description is new but the content will remain the same.

When I began the exercise of writing this blog I thought I would be unique and name it “My Journey through Depression”, thinking I would be a trendsetter.  Perhaps I should have googled the description beforehand as there are only about 5 million websites dealing with the same topic, many with a name very similar to the one I chose.  Who d’ve thunk?  So being the innovative guy I am I changed the description to what it is currently “Examining Myself – Depression & Being Gifted”.  Perhaps it would be wise to google this as well to see how many have chosen this tagline.

Having done that now and coming back I see only references to Depression and Giftedness.  A good sign.  I wasn’t sure about posting the “gifted” part, I still have issues with that description.  Although I think (ok I know) that I have a higher IQ than typical it is still something I have to accept and embrace.  Why I should have a challenge with it I don’t know, I should be proud.  I think part of it is that I have a distaste for those that toot their own horn, and I don’t want to be one of them.  Question – Why is that?

It seems like that is the way of the world though, and those that succeed or advance in life generally do that.  Pride and high self-esteem  Even self help books and management leadership books say that blowing your own horn is important.  That may be the case but it still doesn’t sit well with me.  It reminded me of a passage in “Tribal Leadership” where they talked about a group of business men chatting in an elevator, each one explaining his accomplishments and successive explanations topping the previous ones.  It went on to explain how that action was actually a sign that the group had advanced from one “Tribe” level or stage to another, as if the bravado itself was a sign of accomplishment and upward mobility.  Still hard for me to do.

On a more personal note I do exhibit many of the signs of being gifted, perfectionism, quick to learn, interest in a wide range of topics and others.  I may list some of them later.  My memory is not good at this time, although improving, and the frustration I feel as being misunderstood and the feeling I have that I can see the big picture when others can’t, those may be some of the symptoms that are exaggerated by the depression.  Even at that I don’t feel really depressed, I just know I am not feeling right.  Better, but not right.

I have a visit with my therapist/counselor tonight, perhaps I will ask her.

Text below is from a document “Solutions for the Problems of Giftedness”.

Continue reading Blog Name Change, and Description of Giftedness


Bringing Mindfulness to Depression

While reading on this topic I came across a comment from this section says “depression has been called a thinking disease” meaning our thoughts, particularly negative, can increase or move us into depressive tendencies.  This made me think of the role of Giftedness in the equation.  More food for thought.

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