Oh, My lil’Buddy

Oh my lil’Buddy, how my heart aches, for you! You are struggling and we are struggling with you.

Our pain is for my grandson, Madden. He was recently diagnosed with ADHD and was prescribed medication for it. I know nothing about the various drug therapies but of course we all hoped this would be put him well on the way to having a somewhat ‘normal’ life, without the angst and stresses associated with the disease. He showed signs of calmness almost immediately and steadily improved to the point where he was ready for the next step, an increase in his meds. That’s where the train came off the tracks.

See more here: http://wp.me/p8mDx0-rS

Advertisements

Life with the Fam(ily)

Photo 2012-06-07 9 23 01 AM

Photo 2012-06-07 9 23 01 AMMeet my grandson Madden.  Had I ever thought I could feel the way I do about a little human being I would have had grandchildren sooner, a lot sooner.  He was 3 months old on June 10th and he has the personality of my daughter.  He is one of my fam(ily).

Since he was born we’ve made about half a dozen trips to see him and his family, my daughter and son-in-law.  It’s about a 4 hour jaunt, well worth it when you consider the payback, his smiles or the way he gazes into your eyes.  He is my ‘lil buddy, I am his poppa.  Just looking at his picture while I type this puts a warm feeling in my heart.

Continue reading Life with the Fam(ily)

Maddy and Mom

Not being as organized as I could be perhaps I did not make it to my journal this morning. I may write in it later but for now this will have to suffice.

After a quick breakfast and some endearing words to my wife I loaded up the truck and went off to help a friend disassemble an old tin shed. After taking it to it’s new location at the dump I returned home for lunch and to pack a couple days worth of clothes for a short trip to Kelowna. This is one of the blessings that an early retirement can afford you, spontaneous trips to see grandchildren.

Photo 2012-04-26 10 25 43 PM
Madden and Mom

We are off to see our new grandson, his Mommy and Daddy too of course, and I can’t wait to hold him in my arms. It’s amazing what kind of an impact a new baby can have on you, especially a grandchild. The yearning you feel for them when they are away from you is difficult to describe. I’ve often heard that exact thing said but until the occasion occurs in your family, and to your daughter, it doesn’t really sink in. He has just attached himself to our hearts and the pull that he generates over us is indescribable.

We will take over most of the night feedings while we are there, giving both parents an opportunity to catch up on their sleep. Until he sleeps a little longer during the night the frequent feedings will take their toll on Mom and Dad. It’s something we have all gone through but we want to be as supportive as possible and take as much of the strain off them as we can. They will also be able to go out on a date night, another experience that will take place less frequently and will be more appreciated. We are not doing this only for them as we have our ulterior motives as well. Any time we can spend with the baby will be time well spent.

“Time spent laughing is time well spent.”
J.C. Phillipps, Wink: The Ninja Who Wanted to be Noticed

The Cycle of Life

So today (technically Mar.10) I’m officially a grandfather.  Whether I’ll be Grandpa, Gramps, or I’m thinking Poppa, I am still very happy and can’t wait to meet the new addition.  His name is Madden, 9 pounds 5 ounces, and he is cute as a button.  Officially it happened last night around 8 pm and while we couldn’t be there we were with our daughter in spirit.

Continue reading The Cycle of Life

Am I Afraid to Die?

“Am I afraid to die?” my wife asks me over lunch the other day.  Not your typical table-side conversation topic, but timely nonetheless.  And the question didn’t come out of the blue, but rather as an extension of an ongoing conversation on my mental state and well being.  I have been mentioning to her that I’ve been feeling more anxiety lately, that it seldom seems to leave me and it’s particularly acute when I think about work and having to continue at my present employ for some time yet.  Anxiety I can’t seem to shake, a fear and trepidation of some significant event about to engulf me, perhaps not dying but death itself.

She is well aware of my depression, and even dealt with it herself as a result of the PTSD she suffered after the death of our son.  “Are you afraid to die?” she said, “because I’m not, I will see Shawn.” (our son).  Just the thought of that conversation brings tears to my eyes and a heaviness to my heart.  The thought of our son and seeing him again in the hereafter is emotional to say the least.  I would relish that time, but do I desire death to achieve it, No.  I can’t say I want to die, nor do I think she “wants” to die, but am I afraid of dying? Perhaps……., of death, more so.

I don’t think I ever really thought about my death in any depth before.  Of course we all probably consider that it might happen to us one day (joke), and I wonder if we are ever really prepared.  That, I think, is the crux of it for me.  I do not feel prepared.  I feel like my life is being wasted in its present use, I want so much more and yet feel trapped in my circumstances, held captive by my lifestyle and material wants, incapable of breaking free and shaking off the chains that bind me.  Saddened by my weakness, overpowered by my grief.

One of our daughters is pregnant, due in March 2012, gender unknown.  It is a sign of rebirth, an indication of life and how life should be.  The future incarnate.  It is maybe one more reason I am afraid of death, I want to meet my grandchild and live my life so as to see it grow and learn.  To be part of that learning, to teach much as I’ve taught my other children, to learn how much more I can love.

I have so much to live for.  Such a life we have in this great country, so many freedoms and opportunities, perhaps I am overwhelmed by my fortune.  I realize I am afraid, and worried I won’t be able to fulfill the destiny I’ve envisioned, of living with and loving my family.  I have also come to understand It’s not death I’m afraid of, it’s not having life.