Now there’s a figure of speech that works for me, “All over the Map”. It’s what best describes my writing style of late, so much so I’m thinking of changing my tagline to “World Traveller”.
My mind wanders. It frequently wonders too but mostly it just wanders, jumping from thought to thought without settling on any one thing. Perhaps it’s like being a kid in a candy store, so many choices that deciding on just one is onerous.
I think of blogging. I think of things in my yard or in my house, tasks, responsibilities. I think of friends, both current and past, and right now I think of my last counselor Elly. She was my favourite.
Not that Gloria was not good, or anything remotely like that, Elly was just more ‘into me’ if that makes any sense. Elly was like the friend I never had. I felt more open with her, more real. And that’s not to say I could tell her my most inner thoughts, my darkest quirks, those things best left unsaid. Those things or thoughts that should never be let out. Things like…….
(more here http://wp.me/p8mDx0-vc)
I didn’t sleep well last night, I lay in bed until well after 11 pm and I couldn’t get to sleep. As I tossed about trying to grab the elusive dreamworld but my mind kept working. It continued to grab snippets of thoughts, pondered them momentarily and then moved on to the next one. Honesty was one such topic.
I asked myself rhetorically “Am I true to myself and others?”. Am I honest about myself and baring my soul to others? I’d like to think on some level I am.
Although I can’t (or won’t) expose every thought and feeling I have I can be honest in what I do share, and that is what I try to accomplish. I suppose this kind of dilemma is one that faces many writers, how much to lay themselves open, and while I’d like to divulge every feeling and thought I have it would (or could) have far reaching and long lasting negative effects.
I’m talking about the potentials if those close to me were to read this, and somewhere in the depths of these posts I had said something they took umbrage with. There could be hurt, or worse, and it would be due to what I wrote. I cannot have that.
So I will try to honest but not so open as to include my innermost thoughts of others. I’ll try to keep it on the up and up, after all I should be positive right? If I feel I have to write something so potentially inflammatory I should do it on paper and burn it after, or not write it at all. This will be another step in my growth.
If I really follow the suggestions of G as we discussed yesterday I will need to be more open, more transparent with my feelings as expressed here. As I mentioned to her that is/will be difficult for me to do, and not that I can’t do it but it will be an openness that I have never attempted prior, in any forum personal or not. The immediate thoughts that go through my mind are what if someone reads it and knows who I am, and then on the other hand I want someone to read it……isn’t that the purpose? If I do put something in here that is so contentious that it may cause me problems down the road I must be aware of that and willing to accept the consequences. That was G’s point.
What am I afraid of, why am I so resistant to putting my innermost thoughts down here? I need to come to some conclusion, some understanding of the deeper issue(s). If I am so articulate, as many have said, then use that skill. Use that power to provide some insights for others that may read this.