Don’t I feel Dumb

About a week or 10 days ago I went into the bank to sign some papers for a safety deposit box.  I had a box prior to this in another financial institution but my long range plan is to move most of my financial stuff into one place.  So I signed the  papers, got the keys, and came home.  After that it’s a blur. Continue reading Don’t I feel Dumb

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Today, Live

Tis the mantra of the day, or so it seems to me, that the goal is to live one day at a time and live it fully. Notice the day, experience each moment, “be” in the present. This doesn’t fall on deaf ears.  I know this, I believe this, it doesn’t mean I always do this.  I make that effort and am often successful but if I tie these comments to my previous post it would be evident the moments in time are lived but memory evidence is often lost.

“A retentive memory may be a good thing, but the ability to forget is the true token of greatness.”
-Elbert Hubbard

I enjoy my life, seems to me that is the goal, remembering every detail may be incidental.  I look forward to many more years of the same happiness, and will strive for more.  I have a family who loves me, and whom I love, friends that remain so whether I see them once a year or daily, and the prospect for more “life” than seems fair sometimes.

I am on the cusp now of the next stage in my life, retirement.  It will (I hope) provide me with more enjoyment and experiences to relish, moments to live.  In the meantime, today, live.

Was I really in school?

I can’t remember much about school, many people can, why not me?  Any memories I do have aren’t so bad that I want to block them out, they just really aren’t much to brag about, you know?  I appreciate that it was the 70’s and the “can’t remember” mantra was prevalent for that era but my goodness I should remember more, something of note.  And it’s not only about school, my early childhood years are as much a mystery and lost in the fog of time.

When I think about it that particular phenomena isn’t unique to an earlier time in my life, it’s plaguing me now.  I’ve always attributed it to just not paying attention, not finding any real interest in the event so I saw no purpose in filing it away in my data bank.  I’m kinda of ignorant that way, if I don’t find something or someone of interest to me I’ll largely ignore it or pretend to pay attention and then just discard the event like it never happened.  It’s come around to bite me many times too, as I’m sure you can imagine.  Like when Aunt Bessie tells you about her trip to the foot doctor and then later asks you opinion of the diagnosis.  I mean really, like I care?.

I am trying to improve on that, I appreciate that in order to bond with others you have to play nice, and it that means remembering inconsequential sh** then so be it.  I’ll do my part.  In the meantime the past is gone, all I can do is to try and improve in the future.  Maybe I’ll have to do school again, and do it right this time.

Age and Memory loss

I’ve just finished working outside, changing my truck tires actually.  Boy the jobs I took for granted before take it out of me now.

Ay and St (husband) are here now and we’ll be leaving for the Colander shortly.  We were talking about a bit about Dad and his memory, she was commenting how I better be careful because I’ll be like that when I get to that age.  How thoughtful LOL.

Dad on the Decline

We took Dad out for dinner last night, we being Me, Mo, my Mom (Dad’s ex), and of course Dad.  I called him in advance to see if he was free and he was very “befuddled” on the phone.  And that’s his exact word, “befuddled”.  When I queried him on what he was getting at he asked me to help him find something out, specifically what happened to the house?  To make a long story short he was wanting to know how we moved him out of his house (not sure which one even now) and why he didn’t see any papers or have to sign anything.  He wondered what happened to all his things such as tools etc..  I tried to calm him and promised we could talk about it when we picked him up.

I was a bit distracted after that and thought about what may have been happening to him as we drove into Trail.  It bothered me, made me sad, and talking about it to Mo and Mom didn’t really help.  I think Mom still bears him some grudge after all these years, even though it’s not overt or malicious.  She seems to have little patience for his condition and that bothers me on some level as well.

At any rate we arrived at his place and picked him up from his room, he was still a bit addled and shakey, but we collected his things and took him out to the car.  On the way he began to weep silently, saying he didn’t know if he’d be here (there) tomorrow, inferring he may die that night.  I think between his realization his memory was going and his loss of identity at the moment he became overwhelmingly sad and his grief came through.

Dinner went well for the most part and his mood improved.  He was still at a bit of a loss regarding the move from the house but that occured over 25 years ago and even I couldn’t remember how it went down.  We took him back to his place after and Mo took him up.  On the way out she discussed it with the on-call nurse and they would check on him later to see how he fared.

I called him this morning and he still seemed to be a bit at a loss but much better on the whole.  This is likely just the beginning of the end.  It hurts my heart but I guess it’s just life, sad but true!

Am I Sick? Visit with Gloria

You know I don’t feel sick but perhaps, and this is likely so, that is the nature of the illness. That is why people stop taking meds, they feel ok and believe they are now well and no longer require them.  The same applies to schizophrenia and other mental illnesses. I feel ok but must maintain the course.

I’m having my appt with G now, of course I had something to ask her which I’ve now forgotten.  I had a note in my paper journal but neglected to refresh my memory before coming.  Very aggravating.  I will have make note on my phone next time.

I think I mentioned that Ay may be pregnant, she had more tests this afternoon and it looks good.

Writing, Never easy

I’m slipping on my maintaining the blog.  While we were off camping I didn’t journal, only blogged a couple times.  I feel “blocked”, and my moods is quite stable where I don’t feel like I have anything to contribute.  This is likely a good thing thought, don’t you think?

I still feel normal, whatever that is, my highs and lows are less extreme and I seem to have more energy.  I have not made it back into the garage to putter, my last couple days since camping have been unpacking, or working and then doing yard stuff.  It also seems as if my memory has improved, and wouldn’t that be nice.  I’m sure part of my poor memory before was just having something interesting to remember but now even if something is not so interesting, say like I put down a shovel, now I recall that I had the shovel and where I put it last.

My relationship building will be something I’d like to work on.  I have friends/acquaintances I’d like to improve my relationship with and recently I haven’t really cared whether I connected with them or not.  I do still have some of those feelings but now I have a little more desire to improve on that.

Camping Day 1

Well I arrived at the campsite about 3 hours ago and promptly struggled somewhat getting into my site.  I passed it as I drove down the park road, expecting it to be next on the right past 102, wrong.  The even numbers were not only on the right, they were also on the left.  Backing up the 5th wheel on the road wasn’t such a big deal but then the challenges came when I had to get it into the site.  I achieved that without too much difficulty but was over to one side too much, and not at the correct angle.  I was able to maintain my cool without too much ado but it there was a point where I wanted to scream.

My disposition’s generally been more even I find, and I think I’ve mentioned that before.  I think my memory is better as well, and that’s another thing I chalk up to the meds.  While I was readying the 5th wheel for the trip there were multiple times I had to remember something as part of the process and I recalled it without much effort.  Prior to this I would find myself being more scattered and struggling somewhat to keep the flow going.  Now it just seems to happen.

I do find however that my patience with M is still short on occasion and I don’t know if it’s my reacting improperly or if she just has a way of bringing the argumentativeness out in me. Perhaps some of each.