Always Thought I’d Be Rich

When I thought up this title and posted it, as I often do first when struggling for a topic, it dawned on me this could end up being another ‘woe is me’ diatribe about those things that are less than optimal in my life. I quickly determined though that self recrimination was not what I wanted, I yearned for positivity.  I want to be done with negative, I think it’s evil.

Maybe this is how evil works, destroying everything in its path.
– Dexter (or his writers)

I seem to be on a Dexter theme here lately but I’m finding that some of his quotes and perceptions (the writer’s) are echoing my thoughts.  Again, the fact he’s as disturbed as he is, and does what he does, goes against my grain, but his comments (in my mind) seem to be perceptive in some areas.  And I’ll apologize now if the quotes were stolen from other authors, they should be the ones to get the appropriate credit.  ‘Nuf said about Dexter.

I’m not big on New Year’s resolutions.  For the most part I think they are a waste of time, at least for the bulk of the population.  If you are a strong person with conviction and drive they may work for you, but for the rest of us I think they can be more a negative than a positive, particularly if we fail in achieving those goals we set out.  That’s why my only real goal, and one I try to follow always, is to just be honest.  Honest, and real.

This honesty applies not only to my actions but my thoughts.  I strive to enjoy my life fully, and once again become a positive person.  I say ‘once again’ because I believe that I have declined in that regard over the last number of years.  Whether that was due to work, personal issues, emotional problems (depression), or whatever, the result was I slid into an angered and negative space.

I am striving to change that.  In that process I must maintain my honesty in what I am, in what I think, and only by doing that can I escape.  I have to accept before I can change.

False words are not only evil in themselves, but they infect the soul with evil.
– Socrates

Bottom line I have to accept myself.  I don’t wish I was rich, I am rich.  Rich in health and the love around me.  Rich in the things that matter.

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The Essence of Spring

Spring

SpringThe essence of spring is in the air and I fully intend to inhale it fully today and use it’s power to invigorate my soul.

“When I admire the wonders of a sunset or the beauty of the moon, my soul expands in the worship of the creator. “
Mahatma Gandhi

We’ve finally had some sun for more than 2 days running now and it’s amazing the effect it has on life. People are out in drove, either just enjoying the weather or looking at new cars, perusing garden shops, or working in their yards readying them for the new season.  I plan to spend my day doing the latter, actually 2 of the latter, going to the garden store and readying my yard.  Gardening can be a catharsis.
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Coming out of the Closet , Is it Time?

Open book

I’ve been posting for about a year now and I wonder…Is it time to come out of the closet, to be an open book?  Before you jump to conclusions I should elaborate.

This morning before writing in my journal, after checking emails and having breakfast etc., etc., I watched one of the Ted Talks called Mena Trott on Blogs, where she discusses her perspective on blogging.  In her presentation she comments particularly on how blogging is a means for those who want to know you to learn about who you are, not only biographically but what kind of person you are and how you think.  This made me think, will those I know and love ever know that about me?

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We meet again, Greg and I

So I bumped into Greg today, he reminded me again that he and Deb would like to get out for dinner or appys and drinks at some point soon.  I didn’t put him off. In the past I may have been more non-committal but this time I guess I felt more magnanimous or something so I said sure, I just have to check with Mo.  That seemed to suffice at least for now.  We agreed to touch base soon and confirm.  I’d like to meet with friends, it’s something that is good for me and that I need to develop.

My question to the Gods would be how much do I tell him about what’s been going on in my life?  That would include what’s going on with depression and being identified as potentially gifted (still can’t bring myself to say “I’m gifted”, what’s that about?)  I would consider him a friend, albeit not close at this point.  Like he said to me, “we used to be joined at the hip”, and although I don’t really buy that I do think we did have a certain closeness where personal things could be discussed.

That has since diminished, particularly since he was involved peripherally in my move out of my old department.  Mostly he was just involved in the discussions that supported my move out but the kicker for me was this all took place behind my back, without any knowledge of the imminence of the change.  Needless to say I felt somewhat blindsided by him, not as supported as I would have hoped.  Of course his loyalty had to be with the company in most respects, I just thought I was owed a bit more.  C’est la vie.

Today’s a Good Day

I feel pretty good today, better than yesterday for sure. For whatever reason when I awoke yesterday morning I felt angry again. It was sort of an underlying anger, not a “punch the wall” anger, but a strong enough emotion that it was noticable that early in my day.  It’s hard to say why I felt that way, although I had forgotten to take my meds the night before but I wouldn’t think one day would set me back the way it did.  I promptly took my pill after I got up.

Underlying anger was one of the symptoms that led me to look for help.  At that time, about early Apr.2011, I went to my Doctor concerned over certain aspects of my life, sleep habits, mood, etc., he concurred with my suggestion of counseling, and he also sent me for some tests.  From there to here is a bit of a jump but essentially I was diagnosed with a mild depression, treatable with medication.  Mirtazapine was the drug of choice, 30mg the dosage.

So, back to today, I felt ‘normal” again this morning, a much improved state of mind.  With what happened yesterday morning and a general feeling my improvement has stopped I wonder if an increase in dosage is warranted.  I have a Dr. appointment next week and I can discuss with him.

Update and Some History

So I missed yesterday, as far as blogging goes, and according to the blog gods that’s not a good thing.  If you hope to keep people following your blog you need to keep it current.  At this time I don’t think there’s anyone reading so it probably isn’t as important, however good habits I need to build and this would be one of them.  If you start something, then finish.

I said in one of earlier blogs “The Challenges I Face” that I’d give a bit of a background so here goes.  I really began noticing that I felt crappy last year.  I went on a fishing trip with friends and on the drive, which took a couple days, I started to ponder, and dwell.  Now dwelling is not necessarily a good thing.  Likely I was in a bad place emotionally, perhaps (likely) one the symptoms of the depression.  I began to think of suicide, now don’t get freaky on me here, I thought about it in the way you might think of purchasing a new boat or a house, something that you wonder what it’d be like.  I had no interest in doing myself in, just wondered how someone could get to such a place that suicide seemed like an appropriate response.  Now this is probably where I differ from many, or maybe not.

The illness of depression, if you will, has many faces.  That much I know from the limited reading I’ve done to date.  Some will likely say “I know exactly why someone would want to end their life”, others will be more like me, where you are dissatisfied with many things in your life and you can’t put your finger on why.

I remember many years ago talking to my friend Dave, I don’t recall the specifics of the conversation but somehow it related to happiness.  I clearly recall saying “I’m just not happy”, now why would that stay in my memory for so long, when I can’t even remember to take out the garbage every week?

My point I guess is that I believe I’ve been in this state for quite some time, it didn’t seem particularly unusual though so no reason to search out a cause.  Chalk it up to “just life”.  I thought my circumstances were normal, just a typical male life in a married with children lifestyle.  Certainly you could say that is normal or typical, who could argue, but as I’ve later come to realize it was more than that.

So that continued for some time, that was probably back in the 80’s, and my mood or disposition vacillated along the way.  It was only last year that it seemed to peak and I thought about seeking out a second opinion, which I did earlier this year (2011).  My first step was to mention it to my wife M, and it wasn’t necessary to go into details, that would only muddy the waters.  I also wasn’t sure how to say that I had reached such a state that I had thought about divorce.  I don’t think about it now, except again in the same context as I’d mentioned suicide earlier, what brings a person to that point?  She was supportive, having gone through the program herself years earlier I think she must have realized that it wasn’t like a death knell, I wasn’t going to freak out and slice her up, but it was more like a call for help I was putting out there.  I made an appointment with my Doctor, my new Dr. to be exact, as my old doctor had retired.  I thought I needed to confirm that there wasn’t something obvious wrong, a body chemistry issue or something like that.

My first visit was quite uneventful I must say.  We talked, he asked my a bunch of questions regarding sleep habits, eating, drinking, drugs, emotional state, and then concurred with my diagnosis that I may be suffering from a mild case of depression. He also agreed, as I suggested to him in the appointment, that I should seek out some type of counselling and we would revisit the matter in a couple weeks.  As part of his diagnosis he had a battery of tests run to ensure there was nothing significant in my chemistry that might cause or contribute to these symptoms.  Apparently your throid can cause an imbalance in your system that can throw you out of whack.  Like my medical terminology?? I should mention my earlier doctor had suspected mild depression about 3 or 4 years earlier, that’s another story.

(to be cont)