I have something to say, but I don’t know what…

I have something to say, can’t tell you what it is.  It’s like an itch I can’t scratch, a sneeze that lingers just out of reach, a love you can’t connect with.  I may be rambling but there are words somewhere inside me that yearn to get out, if I speak (or write) enough I’m bound to find them.  I’m not at a loss for words but my words are lost.

This will be my 3rd post in 2 days, not a record I’m sure but I haven’t been this prolific in quite a while.  Can’t explain it, just is.  Could be because I’m in a good space.  I’m spending time with my daughter and family, visiting my 2 week old (today) grandson, and I got the news yesterday that I can retire from my job 3 weeks sooner than originally planned..  All in all a good place to be.

I showed one of my posts to my wife last night, the first time I’ve ever done that.  She knows I blog but up until that point I have never told her or anyone else where my blog is, nor it’s name.  I’m not ashamed of it but there are posts that may not be received in the manner in which they were intended.  Some of my earlier posts were more “venting” in nature and part of my healing, a journal of my journey so to speak.

So I’ve said enough for now, but still really not scratched that itch.  It’s still there waiting to resurface, to be dealt with another day.  It’s still on the tip of my tongue but just beyond reach.  Elusive and teasing me.  Waiting…..

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I’m S’appy, I’m H’ad

I’m happy, I’m sad, I’m both, I’m neither. I’m disappointed my career is almost over, but I’m stoked that retirement is imminent. The appreciation was missing, the acknowledgement of dedicated service for so many years. I’m now invisible, a cog on the wheel, a link in the chain that’s seen but not “seen”. Utilized but not utile, not seen as useful, or that’s how I feel.

Perhaps it’s my own “fault”, and i know fault is not an appropriate descriptor, but maybe I’m a contributor to the end result. My actions or lack thereof may have (likely did) in some way create an environment where any aspirations I had were not fulfilled.  The desires were there and I didn’t know how to achieve them.

There need not be any crying over spilled milk now, the past is just that, passed. I’m looking forward now, glad for what I had and appreciative for all my job brought me. My job was just that, a job, not my life nor my love. I find that elsewhere.

I’m like a caterpillar, waiting to emerge from my cocoon, to leave as a butterfly and spread my wings. I’m seen as beautiful to others, my colors beginning to burst forth. I will launch into the wind and go where it takes me, happy not sad, looking forward not back,

Fruitful day

I had a successful day yesterday, did some financial planning (always looking to retire you know), visited a local home care facility to see if it meets Dads needs, got my glasses fixed, and best of all sat out in my front yard in the shade reading a book and chillin’ with a beer.  Nice!  Even looked at a truck, a pretty thing all blinged out and looking for a new owner.  Unfortunately it is not going to be me.

The book I’m reading is on Procrastination, I’ve mentioned it before.  I am trying to take notes on it, writing them down on paper so I can transcribe them into here without breaking my train of thought.  Before this I was putting the book down and entering tidbits into the blog so I wouldn’t forget them but that is cumbersome and it’s harder for me to focus on the book.  I am proud of myself though, I was able to focus more and I feel better about my goals.